Escaping my pants

I’d say that it’s not what it sounds like…but it totally is.

I’m a big believer in wearing clothing that makes you feel good no matter what size you are. Even at my highest weight, I always made sure that I had clothing that fits and makes me feel confident. Sometimes it’s hard to bite the bullet and buy that bigger size, but in the end it’s the best thing you can do.  Dealing with your rolls being squeezed all day certainly doesn’t help you to think…”Wow, I love and respect my body.” Red marks in your flesh by the time you get home from work does not equal respect.

And ultimately if you want to lose weight and take care of yourself, you need to believe that you’re worth it. You’re worth the money for a new pair of pants. Even if you wear them every day. It’s the same mentality that you’re worth that extra hour of  “me time” in the morning to exercise or to pack a lunch that is healthy.

Anyhow, back to the story of how I escaped my pants.

This morning at 6am when it was dark out and my thoughts were hazy, I decided that I couldn’t wear the same black maternity pants to work for the 3rd day in a row.

Reluctantly, I grabbed a pair of grey pants that I hadn’t worn in a few weeks. These pants are pretty cute and while they fit well in the butt and legs, they have a demi-panel which is not really 3rd trimester belly friendly for me. Basically it cuts me off right in the middle of the belly and when I sit down, it puts pressure on my stomach in a not-so-comfy way.

Somehow I just thought I would be okay though. They’re still stretchy, right?

At 7:30 I got to work only to realize that I had missed the memo that it was random casual Wednesday. I guess my status as temporary receptionist doesn’t get me placed on the company wide email listserv. Whatever. As I sat in my chair the pants started digging into me and the pressure was already unbearable.

I looked at the clock. It was only 7:47. Shit.

As the pants slowly squeezed tighter like a South American Boa Constrictor, I started to channel the pain into feelings of guilt about how much weight I’ve gained during my pregnancy so far.

The constant pressure in my waistline was serving as a constant reminder that my pants don’t fit and I’m fat. I googled pregnancy weight gain and began to search around the internet for comfort that I’m not alone. In between searches I watched people walk in and out of the office in jeans looking very comfortable. I gasped for air.

12 o’clock hit and I knew I had to remedy this situation. I have 30 minutes for lunch. There is not a maternity store in this area. Walmart is close by, maybe I can score a pair of super elasticy pants that will somehow work? Ultimately I decided that in my 30 minute lunch break I would run home and change into new pants.

15 minutes in to the voyage I realized I’d never make it back in time. Around this time, I was driving by the mall where there is a new Old Navy. With a maternity section.

I parked my car and ran into the mall. It was pouring rain, I forgot to add. I struggled to push past people on the escalator and not swipe them with my huge stomach.  I ran into Old Navy, grabbed a pair of full panel jeggings (that I had been eyeing), as well as 2 sweater dresses that were on major sale (bonus).

No trying on. Just ran to the register, gave the lady in front of me the “If you don’t hurry up, I will tackle you” face, and got my pants.

Drove back to work. I had been gone 35 minutes. Ran into the bathroom, slid on the jeans. HEAVEN.

Back upstairs at work I walked in 10 minutes late and no one was the wiser. But oh how good I feel now.  And I feel good not just comfort wise, but self-esteem wise. I checked myself out in the mirror, and you know what? I look really cute. And I actually feel like a normal person again. The negative voices in my head are quiet now.

And just to make sure this doesn’t happen again, I ordered a new pair of full panel work pants. At least I’ll have 2 pairs in rotation along with leggings I can wear with my new sweater dresses.

And that my friends. Is how I escaped my pants. And the negativity that went along with them.

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Do You Dislike your Thinner or Fatter Self?

The other day Joe was scrolling through my blog as I was sitting on the couch. He came across a picture I posted and said, “Wow you look really good in this picture”. Instead of saying thank you, my first thought went to…”I must look terrible, now”.

In no way, shape, or form did Joe ever reference my current body, he was just giving me a simple compliment.

 

At that moment I realized…I’m jealous of myself. In the picture Joe was referencing I was at the healthiest weight I had been at in years. I was doing things a healthy way too (eating right and running a lot), so I should be proud of who is looking back at me in the picture. Instead, I kind of hated her.

 

This has also happened to me with pictures of my heavier self. I  recently came across a picture of myself in college at a really high weight. Probably my highest weight to-date. I instantly looked at it and was disgusted. I didn’t want to acknowledge that it was me.

After thinking about both instances I knew that I needed to reflect. Ultimately all of those pictures are of the same person. The only thing that changed from the thin picture to the fat picture was the number on the scale. At either point in time I was the same person with the same warm heart, the same sense of humor, and the same wonderful life.

I always thought that at some point I would find that happy place with health and diet and leave all of my insecurities behind. While I know I’ve made progress, I am starting to realize that until I can accept myself for who I am and not what I look like, that I will never find release from the emotions attached to my physical appearance.

I think that being pregnant has really challenged me to love myself no matter what I look like on the outside. While I am certainly trying to be a healthy pregnant lady, there is no doubt that my body is changing and that I am getting a lot bigger on the outside. But on the inside, my body is performing miracles. At times when I’ve been upset about my lack of self control or the fact that my weight gain that is higher than the charts say it should be, I just stop and ask myself what the heck am I doing?!

Do I want my daughter to ever sense that her arrival made me stressed and upset? Would I want my own daughter to feel the same way about her body that I do about mine?

How to you feel about seeing yourself at a lighter or heavier weight?
Do you accept who you are at any point?

What have you done to increase your level of self acceptance?

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