The other day Joe was scrolling through my blog as I was sitting on the couch. He came across a picture I posted and said, “Wow you look really good in this picture”. Instead of saying thank you, my first thought went to…”I must look terrible, now”.
In no way, shape, or form did Joe ever reference my current body, he was just giving me a simple compliment.
At that moment I realized…I’m jealous of myself. In the picture Joe was referencing I was at the healthiest weight I had been at in years. I was doing things a healthy way too (eating right and running a lot), so I should be proud of who is looking back at me in the picture. Instead, I kind of hated her.
This has also happened to me with pictures of my heavier self. I recently came across a picture of myself in college at a really high weight. Probably my highest weight to-date. I instantly looked at it and was disgusted. I didn’t want to acknowledge that it was me.
After thinking about both instances I knew that I needed to reflect. Ultimately all of those pictures are of the same person. The only thing that changed from the thin picture to the fat picture was the number on the scale. At either point in time I was the same person with the same warm heart, the same sense of humor, and the same wonderful life.
I always thought that at some point I would find that happy place with health and diet and leave all of my insecurities behind. While I know I’ve made progress, I am starting to realize that until I can accept myself for who I am and not what I look like, that I will never find release from the emotions attached to my physical appearance.
I think that being pregnant has really challenged me to love myself no matter what I look like on the outside. While I am certainly trying to be a healthy pregnant lady, there is no doubt that my body is changing and that I am getting a lot bigger on the outside. But on the inside, my body is performing miracles. At times when I’ve been upset about my lack of self control or the fact that my weight gain that is higher than the charts say it should be, I just stop and ask myself what the heck am I doing?!
Do I want my daughter to ever sense that her arrival made me stressed and upset? Would I want my own daughter to feel the same way about her body that I do about mine?
How to you feel about seeing yourself at a lighter or heavier weight?
Do you accept who you are at any point?
What have you done to increase your level of self acceptance?